Monthly Archives: October 2011

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Exhaustion

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My grandfather is the rock of our family. Pretty much the one thing that has tied us together for a long time. His health has been horrible for basically his entire life. He has to have blood transfusions often and he was 5 weeks late getting this last one (due to the doctor) and landed in the ER because of it. Today I asked him how he was and he said not good. That if my grandma hadn’t told him it wasn’t an option, he would just go out to pasture (death) right now.

I have been struggling for years with the thought of him dying. The thought of the world without him. I still can’t imagine, but I know now that even in my heartache, my absolutely heartache, that he is prepared. It is my grandma who isn’t. It is us. We are keeping him here. Especially her. I’ve never thought of her… without him. I’ve never thought about how she was going to handle it. I’ve only seen her cry once in all these years. She has been a strong woman to look up to. A strong person. I guess I just never thought that she may be a bigger mess than us all when he is gone. That all these years she has spent by his side, taking care of him.. and all the scares and the thoughts of “Is this the last time?”… How big that hole in her heart, in her life, will be. And today I look at my grandmother in a new light. She is no longer just my grandma, but a woman, who loves a man, and has stood by him in every time of need, and has been HIS rock, just as he has been ours. And I am grateful to her that she has been there through it all. Grateful to know such a woman. Grateful that I have so many strong female voices in my life.

Thank you, Grandma.