Monthly Archives: January 2012

week two

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R came to do a follow up with me at the gym. we went over form again on weights (good follow up!) and my stride during cardio, and post workout stretching. All is well and I’m getting into the swing of my new routine.

At the moment this is what my week looks like:

Mondays- Weights and Cardio, yoga class

Tuesdays- Yoga at home

Wednesdays- Weights and Cardio

Thursdays- Yoga at home, walk at lunch

Fridays- Weights and Cardio

Saturdays- Long walk or hiking

Sundays- Relaxation

 

Come summer time I will probably throw in more walking with the dog but I hate walking in the dark especially because my neighborhood doesn’t have bright enough lights around to make me feel okay. Feeling good for the most part. I have noticed cramping in my peroneus longus and hamstrings. I found this stretch that I will try out to see if I can lessen the pain. Also, my right hip has been very sore, but it is better than the sharp pains that had been there. It is starting to lessen, but will be going to road runner to get some good cardio shoes to help my hips out. The good thing is that I’m not having knee or ankle pain like I once had (knock on wood).

I also really need to get a new battery for my heart rate monitor so I can get accurate heart rate info and calorie burning info. I’m glad I found the Map My Run app because it helps me figure out the distance that I’m going on my walks so I’m not just blindly guessing. It also tracks my speed but I have a feeling it is off, and may be tracking my dog instead of me haha.

I made delicious burgers last night. We had some lean beef and I threw in about two cups of chopped spinach and half of a chopped onion in along with an egg, about a tablespoon of tumeric, some chopped basil, and some worcestershire sauce. I had yoga last night so I just ate the burger without adding a bun or cheese etc to it and it was a delicious small meal before class so I didn’t feel like I needed to throw up during class from either being too full or too hungry. I am glad I made extra burger patties that I put in ziplock baggies and threw in the freezer. So super delicious.

I lost about 8 pounds since Jan 2nd but since I started weights I haven’t lost anything. But I notice my body changing so I know things are happening. I really need to check my measurements so I can figure that out too. It isn’t all about weight! I am also getting into yoga poses much better now, feeling less and less like I’m struggling. I am very thankful for R and her knowledge of props and pose modifications otherwise I would have felt very defeated instead of realizing that there are other ways of doing things.

I have the greatest support system in place right now and I’m very thankful for it. It is very difficult for me to reach out for help but I am and I think it is the only reason I feel so excited instead of defeated. It is a great feeling.

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food

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I’ve been pinning on Pinterest all freakin day between working. Food recipes. Lots of food. Mostly stuff that I know I’ll have to substitute one thing or ten to keep it within my “okay foods”. Also, the “okay foods” group didn’t keep me from eating donuts today. Dang sales reps. Dont they know?

I found one for chicken & spinach burgers. The woman said she made a bunch and froze them. Light bulb! Duh. So I think I’ll make a handful of these, some chicken, some turkey, and maybe throw in some buffalo. Mix up the ingredients a bit. Single package them and throw them in the freezer so I can grab them for lunches etc. I think I’ll cook some and leave some raw so I can have the freshness of the burger. We’ll see. But that is my Saturday goal. It will be a meat fest (mind out of the gutter!!!). Gross, I know. But ohhhh soooo good.

I’ve saw a recipe for chocolate covered bananas that you freeze. Do they make stevia dark chocolate? Need to look into that and find a good brand. Would be good for my sweet tooth.

Also, this. For real. Awesome.

Today is my first day at the gym by my lonesome. I’m still sore from Monday. Between crunches, weights, cardio, and yoga I don’t think my body stood a chance. Not with all of that fun stuff (some that I havent done in two years..coughcoughcrunchesweightscoughcough..) in one day. Glad to have a good base to be working off of. Cannot thank R enough for giving me this education. I suppose I should take the “me right now” photo so that I can have an idea of the change in my body.

Ps. I cut off all my hair last Saturday. I love it, but it is growing so fast that I want to go get the back cut again! I’ll let it go though. 6 weeks isn’t that long, right?

Fighting the fear

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“As I paddle along, I slowly become aware that it’s been fear keeping me out of this pool for so many years. I never came here before because I was afraid I’d make a fool of myself by not having the endurance to complete a lap. The swimming wasn’t what scared me; failure was. My fear locked me in a state of arrested development for so many years. Fear kept me from tackling my weight, which I understand has simply been symptomatic of my greater fear, growing up. I glide down the lane on my back and reflect on how good I feel right now. It’s not because I’ve lost more than thirty pounds. I feel incredible because I’ve stopped being afraid.”

“Such a Pretty Fat: One Narcissist’s Quest to Discover If Her Life Makes Her Ass Look Big, or Why Pie Is Not the Answer.”

I was reading a blog that I found on yahoo of all places. This woman lost 115 pounds through diet and exercise after she lost her mother who they think was about 600 pounds because her body pretty much collapsed on itself. Had to check it out. Loving it. This quote from that book was in there and it spoke volumes.

A lot of people think that fat people are lazy. It is a stereotype. And with all stereotypes, there is reason to believe it to be true. However, I’m just gunna put this out there. Not all fat people are lazy, and laziness isn’t always the reason for the fat. Most of the time, it is because we are afraid. Afraid of rejection, afraid of judgement, afraid of our insecurities, afraid of ourselves. Sometimes there are health issues involved to assist with the fat too.  And when you grow up being the fat kid in school, you tend to sit out of a lot of things because you are insecure about your peers judging you based on your fat. I hated gym. Not because I hated being active, but because being active was hard and gym was intimidating when you had the mean girls glaring at you and the jerk boys calling you fat. Eventually, you just learn to stay away from those situations as an act of survival. And it sticks with you. Even when you are with friends. I remember hanging out with friends during the summer one year. They were all playing football and kept trying to get me to join in. I was just beginning my goth girl phase, which was one that allowed me to wear hoodies and black clothes all the time to hide my body. I had on a black hoodie (in summer weather) and was sweating as it was. But in this group of friends, there was a boy I liked and I didn’t want to take my hoodie off and be in my tank top in front of him, and I didn’t want to run in front of him. What if my fat jiggled and he laughed at me? What if I was breathing too hard? What if I fell? So I declined and sat out, watching the action, feeling sorry for myself. I put myself in that fat girl realm before anyone else could.

A couple of weeks ago in yoga, R set up some blocks so we could do a head/hand stand up against the wall. She set it up so that our shoulders would rest on the blocks, our head between them, and hands in front of them. We just had to get into downward dog legs and walk ourselves up and kick up the legs. She had everyone come up and try and I was full of anxiety. I was talking myself out of it. Saying, “No WAY! You are crazy if you think you can do this! The blocks will fall because you’re too fat. You will fall. You can’t hold yourself up. What are you thinking!” So everyone did it. R looked at me and asked if I wanted to try and I stated my vulnerability. “I want to try, but I am afraid. I’m scared my core strength isn’t there yet and I’ll fall.” R said that because of how she had it set up with the blocks, core strength was minimal and I would do great. So I got up there, set myself up, walked my legs up, threw a leg up to R and she helped me get up against the wall and there I was. And I was so, so glad to be in a safe place there. To be encouraged to try things instead of criticised for it. I let go of the insecurity. I let go of the fear.

I know that the reason I was so frustrated about my doctors appointment a couple weeks ago is that I was hoping for her to say “something is wrong with your with your body, something that you can fix without committing to a lifestyle change for the rest of your life.” And then hand me a pill that was going to fix everything and I would know it wasn’t my fault I’m overweight. It is my body. I could blame my body, not my mind. She didn’t tell me that. She told me that yes, there is something going on in your body, something that is causing fat to stick with you. But it is something you can help with a lifestyle change. Something that will force you to give up some of your favorite foods, and learn more about yourself than you probably want to know. Something that will require you to live healthy, face your fears about yourself straight on, every single goddamn day, and yes, be accountable for your own health. Goddamnit. Accountablility. Isn’t that really what being an adult is about?

R and I went to the family center across the highway from my house yesterday. It has this tiny little gym area. A couple of treadmills. A couple of ellipticals. Some weight machines. Free weights. It is tiny, but will be a good starting point for the weights for me. It is great to be putting together the skeleton of my work out plan. I was looking at myself in the mirror, noticing all of the things I hate about myself instead of noticing what I was doing with the weights. I realized that the fear was taking over and that I felt exposed, learning something new. So I pushed it away and breathed it out. But I know that will be the hardest part of my work outs. Seeing the mirror and seeing myself doing all of this… and then wondering what everyone else is thinking.. And that fear creeping in. I just have to push it out and realize that I don’t know these people, and if they are thinking horrible things about me while I’m doing something to help my health and happiness, they don’t mean a dang thing to me or how I feel about myself. I have to remember that I am proud of what I am doing rather than feel insecure about it. I have to push myself to see myself as how I see me without the mirror in front of me, even when the mirror is there. And after awhile I will see changes and be proud of what I am doing and feel great about them and know that it is all worth it. My health is worth it. I am worth it.

 

it is always darkest before the dawn

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Tonight I’m going to bury that horse in the ground

 

Florence, I know I said I wasn’t horribly fond of your most recent album, but goddang you did a good job with Shake it Out. That song itself was worth the money.

 

It is hard to dance with the devil on your back, so shake him off!

 

I didn’t go to work today. Felt icky. So I’ve been watching buffy episodes on netflix and hangin with the pup. Physical and mental health day. Glad for it. I stayed in bed till about 10 reading and dozing off. Took Piper for a walk when I felt a bit better, but nearly vomited.

At least she got out to play and I got to see some pretty sky. Also, I’m soooo happy that I got this point and shoot. So much better than worrying about my huge camera and I can stop thinking about all of the technical stuff and focus more on capturing things how I see it. Good stuff.

J used the left over chicken stock from our comfort food meal the other night for some stew. He used fennel I think instead of celery which was wayyyyy better because I hate celery. I think he put carrots and beans and beef and onion and some potato chunks in it too. Turned out really yummy. I’m craving a burger right now. Turkey burger. Might see about making one!

comfort food

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Yesterday morning I made dinner before I made breakfast. I have a hard time with the crock pot unless I’m specifically craving something because I don’t want to limit my options for food. I am getting over that. I also don’t really follow recipes. I like to use them as a skeleton as a basic idea of how to prepare food, but I generally spice it how I want and subsitute ingredients for things that I actually need in my daily diet.

We had some chicken thawing in the fridge that needed to be cooked so I decided to just throw it in the crock pot. I looked at recipes but decided to just do my own thing.

Mexican Crock pot chicken:

2 chicken breasts – thawed

Organic Kirkland chicken stock

I created a spice rub for the chicken which included tumeric, chili powder, and a pretty generic mexican spice from sunflower (it includes things like paprika, cumin, garlic, etc)

I then seasoned the chicken stock with cilantro, tumeric, chili powder, mexican spice, and about a tablespoon of garlic. I also had about a quarter of an onion left over from another recipe last week, so I cut that up and threw that in too. I rarely measure spices.. I just kind of throw in what I think it needs so I don’t know the measurements of the other spices.

I cooked it in the crock pot for 8 hours

But then I had a depression day and probably wouldn’t have even eaten anything if J wasn’t coming home. I did finally bring myself to get up and out of the house and go to the grocery store around 7pm. I, thankfully, bought mostly healthy food as I had a list that I had made several days before otherwise I would have probably only come home with cookies and ice cream. I’m glad I made a list because I rarely do (which is BAD!)

I got home around 8 and decided I should probably eat dinner. The chicken was ready, but I didn’t have a side. I was in the mood for comfort food so my first thought was mac & cheese but didn’t really want something heavy either. I had just purchased some quinoa noodles (thanks to S!) and decided to make some but didn’t want to have a heavy sauce. I also had just purchased some Earth Balance coconut spread, so I decided to use that and “butter” the noodles (I used about two tablespoons). I also have been putting cabbage in everything, so I cut some up but left it raw because I love the crunch of raw cabbage, especially mixed with something soft like noodles. (Side note, I recently read that a lot of oils and butters break down into trans fat when heated up so even olive oil is bad for cooking, still great for dressings and for dipping bread in etc, but not ideal for cooking. I read that coconut oil or grape seed oil is best for cooking)

So I created a bed of “buttered” noodles and red cabbage. Then threw the “mexican” chicken on top, and sprinkled with some feta.

Oh, it hit the spot! The sweeter taste of the noodles and the cabbage mixed with the spice in the chicken was just PERFECT. The feta added a great hint of salt to top it off (I haven’t been using salt much at all in anything that I cook anymore because I find most foods don’t need it at all if spiced right or if the right thing is added)

I should have taken a picture of the meal though! It was beautiful. If you haven’t ever used tumeric in your food, it gives everything a kind of yellow/orange tint. And quinoa noodles are much more yellow than regular noodles. Mixed with the red cabbage (which is more purple than red) and the feta on top, it was a visually appealing meal too.

This is the reason I don’t like to use crock pots, because I get inspired based on my moods on what food to cook. But I will start using the crock pot for the base of my meals more often because ohhh the tenderness of that chicken was awesome, and I have realized that slow cooking meat is really the way to go to give it better taste. Ohhhh the yum!

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I’m in a funk today. Yesterday was just a rough day I think. We went to go pick S up to go have lunch with some friends and there was this incredibly skinny, shaved, cut up dog in the neighborhood. J stopped and I jumped out to go see if I could catch it. It wouldn’t let me get near it. It looks like someone had shaved it and it has cuts all over the place and was so skinny it looked like a skeleton. It was really hard to shake how horrible I felt for it. I called animal control but I am worried they just put it down if they found and caught it. I should have done more.

Then we went to see girl with the dragon tattoo. I had no idea what it was about and probably would not have gone to see it if I did. The rape scene was.. so hard. I couldn’t keep it together. S was holding my hand and breathing me through it. James kept squeezing my other hand. I was gasping for breath, crying. I wanted to leave but stayed. A part of me is still in that part of my head. I should have gotten up and left. Why, even after all of this time, can I not walk away from something that upsets me so intensely? Why can’t I just get up and walk out? Forever the victim of our own minds. Of my own mind.

I had high hopes for today. Dog park with the piper, or at least a walk around the neighborhood. Gym. Grocery store. Thrifting with a friend. but here it is, 5 PM and I’m still in my sweats thinking that I should not go to yoga tonight because I’m just too tired from all the nothing I did today. I am just too exhausted with myself. Too upset at my own mind, wishing I could just for once, not fuck myself out of health because I was triggered and end up just feeling like shit for days at a time instead of getting up, putting some fucking clothes on, and doing something.

So I have made a commitment to myself to leave the house, to at least go to the grocery store. To do an hour of yoga at home tonight, and release my anguish and prove to myself that I can. To at least get home and go to bed early so I can get up early so I can do my morning work out and be ready for the day.

A commitment to feel and love myself.

Because right now I am angry that I still let myself feel this. I still don’t want to leave the house and let people look at me when I am vulnerable. I don’t want to connect with anyone because all I want is to rip my skin off and be someone different, someone stronger. Someone who doesn’t let a movie fuck her whole week up. Someone who can forgive herself for being a victim.

There it is. Forgive myself for being a victim. Yes. How do you do that? Do you forgive that part of you that you despise more than anything in the whole world? That part that is looming, lingering, always showing itself in the worst ways. How do you forgive yourself for feeling like you allowed something terrible to happen when you knew it was wrong, you knew you could have walked away, you knew you could have just not been there. That everything that led up to that horrible thing… was only there because you walked that path. How do you stop abusing yourself for being abused?

About all I can do is what I just did. Cry my eyes out and sob out the words I’m sorry over and over and over again while my dog licks my tears and shows me she loves me and I grab on to her and hug her with all I’ve got. And it passes. And she is still at my side, waiting for me to recover, patiently waiting for me to come back into myself and remember who I am.