Monthly Archives: March 2012

Fear. Again.


Yesterday my bestie S said “I feel like you’ve been pretty contemplative today. Are you just busy?”

I wrote back that I was busy and working and didn’t really know what else to say.

The truth is, I didn’t know what else to say. I have been busy. Work is picking back up again and we’ve had good walk ins etc. But I’ve been filled with anxiety all week that I wasn’t ready to admit was anxiety. Anxiety that I’m not pushing myself hard enough. That I’m pushing myself too hard. That I am going to fail. That I am kidding myself. Anxiety.

Let me kinda dive into some of this. First off. Let’s be honest. My weight issues are the physical manifestation of my mentality. My emotional stability. I have some health stuff that is going on behind it too, but the honest truth is that I am an emotional eater. Food is instant validation. I’ll get real here. It started very young. The most vivid memory of my grandpa on my dad’s side is of him looking at me while I was eating cheese and crackers and telling me that if I didn’t stop eating like this I would be fat. On top of that, there are memories of dessert items being used as rewards for good behavior or being punished by not getting what I desired because I had my elbows on the table or didn’t finish my peas etc. So, because of my personality, my only thought in the entire world was to get that cookie because I was being denied. I was being rejected so I wanted it more than anything else.  That cookie was my validation that I was a good kid. But instead of doing the things I needed to do to get the cookie in the first place, I would sneak down at night and steal cookies and eat as many as I could. Because I had been waiting the whole evening for validation. There is a lot more but this is the root. This is what I can go back to and remember as being the first part of this mentality. So because of all of this, you can imagine that I am having to completely re-train my brain on how to view validation. This whole journey is not just a body tranformation. It is a mind tranformation. It is an overall healing.

Monday R told me that she wanted me to do a 5k. My first reaction was “no way!” but I gulped it back because I immediately recognized this reaction as fear and said yes. (Looking back, I should have taken a day to say yes so I could wrap my head around the idea and not get so crazed) We talked about when. End of June. Okay. Scary! Running kills me. I feel like my lungs are going to collapse. I’ve been having this hip soreness that I know I need to figure out. My shoes aren’t right. But R is smart and she knows that I need something to reach for, even though I am terrible at making goals. She gave me something to motivate me. Keep me from getting bored. I decided right away that I was going to start training. The sooner the better. So I decided that Wednesday would be the day. I had gone online and picked out a training schedule and figured out what I would do. I was set. I was confident.

Then I got to work Wednesday morning and realized I had a webinar that I had to be present for that evening. I felt wrecked. I was freaking out that I was going to miss my Wednesday gym. I was going to start sliding and end up giving myself excuses for the rest of the week, month, year. I was going to fail. Fail fail fail. All because of one evening of missing out on a work out at the gym. I thought that if I could just wake my ass up in the morning and do morning work outs this wouldn’t be a problem. I went into victim mode. Victim of the webinar!  grawwwr! Victim of myself more like.

Half way through the day I came up with a brilliant idea that I should have had immediately. If I can get out of the office right at 5 I can get home by 5:30 and take the dog for a walk. Do the webinar at 6, do ab work and some free weights after. Not my ideal but better than nothing. I decided it WAS possible for me to start my training. I warmed up for 5 minutes. Ran for 60 seconds. walked 90. ran 60. walked 90 etc. Knowing how to breathe and being present in that breathing helped SO MUCH. I didn’t feel like I was going to choke. I didn’t feel like my lungs might explode. I didn’t feel like I was going to collapse. Came home, hopped on to the webinar. Did my abs. Did my weights. Did some stretches. Did some yoga. Had dinner. (Stuffed chicken breast made in the roaster pan with steamed broccoli. Awesome!) Watched TV with my hunny. Hit bed early. Woke up this morning and took the dog out for another training for 20 minutes. I don’t usually work out at all on Thursdays aside from a bit of yoga. I realized that I could do this and I didn’t have to be afraid of failing because that fear is what would cause the failure to begin with.

ps- Jillian Michael’s podcast is freakin awesome for nutrition info, motivation, and inspiration. Download it. She talks a lot about how the best way to motivate yourself is to use your competitive nature. Find people who are in similar positions as you that are doing the same thing or have already done what your goal is. Use that as your fire. Educate yourself. And use fear as your motivation. Beat your fear.

So, I am feeling better today. More confident. Still have anxiety but I realize that my anxiety comes from me actually doing something. Forcing myself out of my comfort zone so I can use that as motivation to push through. I am such an “instant validation” kind of person so this process is intense and difficult for me. It opens me up and leaves me there raw and vulnerable which in turn makes me want to fight like a beaten animal. Filled with anxiety and tension. All I can do is throw that energy into my work out and make it positive energy instead of negative.

A dude at my gym that works there asked me the other night if I had started to see some changes since I started. I told him that I have lost an inch in my thighs, my bust. I’ve lost some in my waist and bicep. I’ve lost ten pounds. He was excited for me and gave me a high figh and said that I was doing great. Then he said “Where is your excitement? This is a big achievement!”. It just hadn’t occurred to me that I should be excited. My biggest challenge right now is making sure that the pounds on the scale dont become the cookie of my childhood. I cannot rely on the scale to validate me. I have to validate myself for doing a good job.

Get it done.